I am slowly realizing that a I am quite prone to stereotyping people, because upon such description, I expected to find an old, short, dark-skinned woman, quiet and reserved. Was I in for a treat! Meet Sara. She was born in Nepal, alright, but she is young and vivacious and outgoing.
Since that conversation with Alison back in 2013, my life and Sara's have become closer and more intertwined. She went from being my son's daycare provider, to being a friend, to being my employer, to being my roommate, to co-parenting our children with me. And in the last three years I have gotten to know more and more about her. About how she struggles to see beauty in her perfect nose and her curvy body. About how she traveled the world with her family after being adopted by her American-Canadian parents, and how she survived an eating disorder and early childhood sexual abuse, both experiences she is open about. About how she lovingly and patiently schools her two boys, and dreams of a life where her problems are taken care of and she gets to sleep until 10 am every day.
I asked Sara if she was open to modeling for me when I was testing makeup artists for Lightfolly, and although I couldn't talk her into an "in the sheets" session, she agreed to lend her covered body to my lens. As the session progressed, I felt more and more that she was not enjoying herself. We ended up not photographing all the outfits she brought, and even calling it done earlier. I wasn't concerned, I didn't push it, but given that I had the advantage of seeing her everyday, eventually I brought it up:
-You seemed miserable at the session.
-Did I?
-Yes, did you enjoy yourself?
-Yes. I thought the posing was a bit uncomfortable, that's all.
-Really??!! You did great. When I kept saying that, I meant it. I am even going to use some of your images to show how the right poses can change the perception on the body's shape!
-They weren't uncomfortable as in hard to do. I guess I was just very self conscious of my body.
-That's normal. It is not every day that we have a camera pointed at us. But you looked amazing!
-To be honest, it took a lot of courage for me to come to the session. I did enjoy myself, but I guess I just wasn't showing it in the way the majority of people do. When you have body issues you don't just relax and put yourself out there. I wanted you to have images to use and for you to test the makeup but I am not planning on liking the images or using them for anything.
I wasn't sure how to respond to that. On the one hand, I wanted to say "well wait until you see the images!", but I felt that may have felt like I was invalidating her feelings. On the other hand, I was a bit frustrated that I hadn't been able to give her the experience I give my clients and praise myself for. I let it rest.
And then, it dawned on me. I had never had to photograph somebody who had such a hard time being in her own skin. Most of the women I photograph come to me because they want to #existinphotos, not by invitation. And those who I invite and know they won't be able to relax and discover what I can do for them, don't accept to model for me. So even if my clients are uncomfortable at first, they push themselves to relax and enjoy the experience, and so far they all have.
Sara has since then seen her finished images. She loved them. She heard me praise her and how beautiful her skin is and how sensual her body looks. She still struggles to see it, and it will take a while until she agrees to put one on the wall. But I am confident she will, when she realizes how often she will go back to the computer to look at them. For me, the lesson is in accepting that my work in empowering Sara was done when she agreed to come and be photographed by me. That action, on itself, was a victory. Even if she didn't jump up and down in glee at the session. Even if she looked a bit uncomfortable and couldn't see right away what I saw. And the fact that she liked her images, considering she avoids her reflection daily, is the cherry on top. Her journey is different from most women I have worked with, but I'm now excited to meet other women who wouldn't even consider being photographed, and make them love their images too. Make friends with their discomfort, and hopefully help them make friends with it. Celebrate their victories, as small as they may seem to me, and see them as a sign of empowerment.
I love photographing women. Because every woman's journey is different, and there is few delights bigger than accompanying them for whatever part of that journey they decide to have me and my camera come along.
Hair Styling by Robin McIntyre | Makeup artistry by Sierra Saxton
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