Beauty

I believe that each of us go through life with one objective: to feel bliss. That's it. We just want to feel that feeling of having our heart sing within our chests. I am pretty sure you know what I am talking about. Different people experience that bliss when they encounter different situations: for some it comes as a taste, for some it's a sound, for some it's an idea. For some it's more than one thing. For some it's easy to feel it, others seek their whole lives for a way to open up to that heartsong. So why does our society put so much emphasis on beauty?

 My most beautiful images on Instagram

Beauty is that which pleases the aesthetic senses. So limited. Yes, some people find bliss in aesthetically appealing things, but others will choose to eat a meal in the dark, with no visual clatter at all, so they can treat the heart to a piece of raw salmon melting in their mouths. When as a society we make beauty the only goal to strive for, we are not only falling short in appreciating all the other human (an nature) orgasm-inducing qualities, we are also sending the wrong message to those who will dismiss such qualities in themselves, over beauty. A girl cuts herself because she has disproportionate features, and ignores her ability to create delightful music in front of her piano. A woman submits herself to unhealthy diets so she can look beautiful, and neglects to nurture her outstanding mind because she doesn't get the same kind of reward from the world. A young man spends countless nights in the solitude of his room, getting women to fall head over heels with his ideas online, convinced that nobody could love his awkward teenage body. Not measuring up to this one dimensional standard is just too painful.

You were born with something to offer to the world. We all did. Some of us don't see it right away; some of us don't see it at all. But we all do and, praise Joe Pesci!, it is not beauty for all of us. Can you imagine a world were everybody was beautiful, and we had Jesse Eisenbergs and Linda Evangelistas walking around everywhere, with not one of Bach's songs to listen to? We glorify that which gives us heartshivers through our eyes, almost like if we didn't have 4 other senses. No wonder blind people are so much more discriminated in this world than people lacking any of the other senses. Even more than people lacking common sense, which is crucial to be able to touch the heart through an idea.

So I propose that we stop the "everybody is beautiful" movement. Pretty please? If you are in a position of power, or are revered and listened to, can you please not tell women they are beautiful, as a canvas statement? I know, may be you mean it in a more general sense; you may be referring to beauty as a characteristic that pleases the intellect or inspires. Don't call that beauty. Can you please be more creative and make use of the vast, rich language you learned years ago, and accurately describe what you mean? Remind them they are valuable, and worthy of love, and lovable, because they have something to offer, and that something may not be beauty, and it's okay. Remind them that the important thing is that we open up to feeling and open up to offer things that will make others feel, and that intelligence, kindness, talent, are all valid things to offer.

I take pictures of people and pose them in ways that enhance their best features. I deal with their physical self on a direct manner, but I capture in my images a lot more than just their appearance. To me, that bliss I talk about comes from confidence. Experiencing it in myself and seeing it in others. I want to eliminate distractions in my client's physical appearance so that they can connect with the person as a whole. My team polishes their natural features and I invite them to look further, to connect with that part of themselves that the camera doesn't show to all, but that they can see through the confidence I bring out in them and which is imprinted in the images I make of them. My clients are not all beautiful, but they all show their confidence to my camera. And that, to me, is bliss.

The Experience

If you where wondering what all the fuss is about, if you are still asking yourself "why would I want portraits of myself?", if you just need to brighten your day... This isfor you. Join the millions of women who decided they were ready to take the journey and #existinphotos for future generations.

Interview with Emily Brown, from BodyLove

Once Valentine's Day, or any other of these (very distracting) Hallmark celebrations pass, and we are left with ourselves, we have no choice but to go back to love who we are. And if you feel you have an alternative you are just lying to yourself, escaping the day when you will have to face that truth. For some of us it is easier than to others to stop running. People like Emily are here (in Laramie, in the world, in your corner) to hold your hand through this acceptance, whenever you are ready.

Can I let you in on a secret?............................................................................... {you are ready}...........................................................

Emily Brown is an Intuitive Eating Counselor, Body Image Activist, and Yoga Teacher working and living in Laramie, WY. She graduated from the Nutrition Therapy Institute of Colorado and, a few years later, the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. She has been involved with the body positivity movement for over 7 years. She spends her days writing and teaching and enjoys as much time as possible exploring the outdoors with her husband, Heath, and her children Bloom 5, Anjali 4, and their foster daughter Sierra, 16. 

                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Tell me about your journey to where you stand today on your relationship with your body.

I grew up in a pretty typical American family: middle class, evangelical Christian, between Colorado and South Dakota. On one of my parent’s sides, there was a very appearance-based understanding of the world. My grandparents would keep appearances and make sure they were showing the world the version of themselves they wanted to be seen as. They would body-check me and my sister and comment on our body size, etc. I internalized all this in a very strong way, to the point that at the age of 8 I remember going into a restaurant and scanning the room to see what the “cool” kids were ordering and then ordering the same thing. I wanted to be cool but that meant being perceived as cool.

When I was in high school I started to question things that I had taken for granted. I would read books about what it meant to be a strong woman and I had to reconcile what I read with some of the realities I grew up with, like women in our church not being allowed to be pastors. I kept running into this message that to be heard as a woman you have to look a certain way. You have to be thin and beautiful.

In college I was completely immersed into this view and started studying to become a nutrition therapist. I saw my obsessive eating and regimented exercising as equivalent to healthy: I got up at 6am to run 6 miles, I counted the calories content in everything I ate, I had this “perfect body” and this “healthy life” and I couldn’t see how consumed I was by it. My family and friends glorified my lifestyle and supported it. I had the body size that fit the expected standard of beauty, but I had no time or energy to devote to love, society, and creating change.

So, at some point, the realization hit me: I was imprisoned by this mind. I was in a dressing room with my mother trying on dresses for a wedding, and as I put one gown on it hung on my bones. I saw my mom’s face in the mirror and froze. I have never been diagnosed or hospitalized for an eating disorder, but I was a coat hanger and I didn’t see it until I saw it on my mother’s eyes. I was lifeless.

I wrote my final project for my degree in “Disordered Eating”, and that is when my healing process started. In retrospect, my struggle with body is a struggle to gain my place as a woman in the society we live in.

How did yoga enter your life?

My beginning with yoga was a rigorous, sweaty program in a room full of mirrors, that didn’t particularly promoted body positivity or supported my healing process. I wanted to be fit. I went through a teacher training and my interest in the healing aspects of yoga spiked. You see, you don’t have to know intentionally what yoga is doing to help you along the path of healing and loving your body for it to happen. It happens, very subtly.

It must work, because now you run BodyLove, a program to empower women to love their body. Can you talk about it and when it started?

I created the program 7 years after the realization that my life needed to change. I attended the Institute for the Psychology of Eating, which offers a holistic, mind-body oriented program that is geared to understanding our relationship with our world and everything around us rather than focusing on what we eat as an isolated paradigm, and that’s where it started.

I used to offer the BodyLove program in person but this was limiting how widespread my message could be. I traveled across the state one summer, putting on the program in a weekend format, but that was not sustainable either energetically or financially. Now it is a six-week, online format. Every week you get a lecture on a different topic, like how our systems responds to our beliefs about food, how we digest and process food, how are thoughts affected, etc. You also get a yoga video and a group coaching call, where you can ask questions and share experiences.

BodyLove is a part of the Body Positivity movement, which is a movement that strives to have a positive view of our own bodies and love them as they are. But we are so attached to what we think we know about food and its relationship with our body and its health, that many people don’t know where to start. Before we can have a positive view of ourselves, there are many things that need to be unlearned, and that we have to untie ourselves from. The majority of the messages about food and health that are reaching us through mainstream media are not scientifically backed up, but there are people behind them who have a financial interest in us believing these messages. For example, we believe that being “overweight” is dangerous and unhealthy. However, many studies have proved that although it is true that “obesity” can be correlated to some diseases, there are other diseases that “obesity” actually protects you from.

Why the quotation marks?

These are terms society uses to refer to weight, but they are misleading. A new study was recently released about the BMI and how people that are labeled as "overweight" and even "obese" are living longer, healthier lives than those of "normal" weight. Now that seems off! Why would we call people “overweight” when they are actually healthy? I would like to use a word like “fat” simply as a descriptor without any negative connotation. The same way we use “tall” or mention someones brown hair. There are actually people who are trying to reclaim the word "fat". It will take a lot of work to untie that word from what most people mean when they say it...

So does BodyLove help people accept their body regardless of their size?

I think it is important to remember that the key is to take the focus off body size. People sometimes think they are being “body positive” when they push messages like “Curvy is beautiful” or glorify any one body size over another. Those messages still bring the attention back to the size. Size is not relevant per se, although our society may disagree. Through BodyLove I invite people to look away from size and standards for what a body is expected to look like, and instead connect to it through its functionality. I want the participants of the program to untie themselves from the idea of good food and bad food, or that there is a way we should or shouldn’t eat, because they are for the most part making those decisions from a place that has internalized confusing messages and “facts” that are not supported by science. My intention is to shift participant’s to a trust relationship with their bodies, so they stop listening to all the voices outside themselves and start listening to what’s coming from within: hunger cues, fullness cues, everything that has been gifted to you that can help keep you healthy and alive. It’s about food, but it’s much more than that.

Our western lifestyle is, for the most part, full of stress. And as women, we keep hearing the message that to matter we have to look a certain way and have a certain lifestyle; we feel like if we want to be healthy we need to eat a certain way, “what, when, how, how much do I eat?”, we need to exercise more, we need to go to the gym 5 days a week, we need to be on top of our weight, “what’s my BMI?”…. Our obsession with “health” adds more stress and hormonal imbalance to an already stressful life. It keeps us in the fight/flight response, and under these conditions our bodies don’t digest food. The body needs to preserve energy to defend itself from what it perceives as the danger that is stressing us out. If we were really concerned with body health in our society, and not merely its appearance, we would be talking about stress, and its effects. Stress would be mainstream. But it’s not. And so ideas and facts that can help with that problem aren’t mainstream either.

I follow you on Facebook and something that shocked me was finding that some people have had negative responses to some of the things you say. Talk to me about that

When I decided to turn my own healing journey into a program to help others, I thought that my message was the least controversial message in the world: who is going to argue with teaching women to love themselves? Well, apparently, a lot of people. Including other women. Let’s back up for a minute. I have been very intentional about not including conversations regarding weight loss in my program. I could have. I would have sold a lot more if I had, because weight is what the mainstream media is selling, that is what people are used to hearing about, that is what people have been taught to fight against. I didn’t want my message to get diluted. My message is simple:

Whatever your body is, whatever you struggle with, right now you are loveable, right now you deserve to love yourself, you are worthy, you have something to offer, you are enough.

In the last couple of months I realized that some people not only think that message is controversial, they violently attack it. They fight the idea of telling people that it’s okay to be how they are, if they are “overweight”, because it seems to go against what they know: “if I am “overweight”, I am unhealthy; how can I love my body if it is unhealthy?”. They don’t even question the preconceived notions about food, health, and body size, and where these notions come from.

How does this “pushback” make you feel?

At first it was hard to be on the receiving end. But more and more it is turning to be a positive measure of being on the right track. You see, I am realizing that I am an activist, fighting for social justice. I am not big, I have a body that fits the expected standard of beauty, and I still had to battle these messages and how they affected my life. So I have decided to become a voice and an ally for people who are not only being discriminated against due to their bodies being bigger than the norm, but they are also internalizing that discrimination and what they say about them as people: they also believe they are lazy, they also believe they are ugly, they are being shamed by an entire society based on something that they may not have any control over. After generations of unhealthy dieting, the 3^rd or 4^th generation has a much harder time regulating weight. But the way this person looks is not saying anything about his or her health.

I guess whenever you want to radically change the system, you will find haters. But haters are a good sign: it means you have something to say that make people think and challenge what they thought was true. They keep you in track, and I have to be prepared to the notion that the bigger my activism gets, the more voices I’ll hear against it. That’s a good thing. At first I used to ask myself: “Do I want to be an activist? Do I want my life to be disrupted in this way? Do I have the courage to fight this fight?”. I left that question open but the more I follow this path were I am still healing and I am also empowering others to heal I find more signs and people and messages that tell me: “Yes! This is what you are in for and this is your path”.

What kind of influence do you think one person can have? Do you feel like you can change the world?

I have come to terms with the fact that a change like this is slow, and I will never see the effects of it on a global scale. The shift won’t happen in my lifetime or my children’s lifetime. It will take generations. But I notice the changes in my own life and those around me. I have gone from having a circle of friends were all our conversations revolved around food and weight and what our bodies look like to now, 12 years later, being part of a loving and supportive group of women where, if the conversation was to start revolving around those topics, there would be blank looks around. Because of the shift I have made in myself, the people that I attract into my life have shifted. My children are growing in a community of friends whose moms will never have something to say about the way their kids’ bodies look. I know I can’t protect them from it, but in these formative years at least, they are not exposed to that message daily. So my shift is creating a ripple that is not just about body and food, but about creating a community that shares my values. And I see it with the women who take my program too. They are each creating a ripple around them.

We are in the beginning of this revolution. Right now it takes a lot of courage and gumption to stand to the current state of affairs and step out of the mold. I have tremendous empathy and compassion for the women who have gone through the BodyLove program and are out there, in another state, all on their own riding that ripple and creating a community for themselves and their children in which to walk their path to healing. It will get better and easier generation after generation. It has to start somewhere. And it already has.

                                                                                                                                                                                                    

Intrigued? Interested? Join Emily on March 2nd for a FREE teleclass. For more information, click here. 

Spring Wardrobe

We have a month until spring. I know, it probably won't really be here then, but a girl can dream, can't she? So, let's talk spring wardrobe even if you still need to have a parka handy: You want to be ready when those spring sales start popping online.

I am going to assume that, like me, your objectives every season are:

#) a manageable size wardrobe
#) ease to choose what to wear
#) to look effortlessly fabulous

This was the case for Stephanie, whom I helped revamp her wardrobe last year. She wanted to downsize, which required keeping only pieces that were versatile and could be worn with multiple other pieces.  She also wanted to feel like deciding what to wear and what to wear it with was a breeze. This way, she was confident she would feel compelled to look put together regardless of where she was going. I gave her five main guidelines I follow when deciding what to keep and what to toss, and then we embarked together on a quick 5-step guide on how to approach her wardrobe.

Today, I will be sharing this guide and the guidelines with you, along with some examples of how Stephanie goes from a children's play date to a date with her husband with minimal effort. Are you ready?

MAIN GUIDELINES to decide if you are keeping or tossing a piece

Can I use it for one (or more!) of the activities that I perform in my everyday life?
List the main 5- 7 activities in YOUR life. Stephanie listed: church, errands, play dates, business conferences, jewelry parties, family outings, and dates with her husband

Is this piece in one of my colors?
By "your" I mean "YOUR" colors. Stephanie had many neutral (black, white, gray, beige, navy) pieces in her wardrobe (yay!) which was a good starting point. She had several colorful items too, and some of them were in colors that complemented her skin, eye color, and hair (like royal blue and chartreuse; yay again!), but others were out of place: not only they clashed with her other color pieces, they didn't do anything for her complexion. Try the colored pieces you have and start a list of which colors work and which ones don't. From the ones that work, keep those that work together.

Does it complement my body type?
There are countless resources online that will help you determine what's your body type, and what shapes complement it. If you are more old-fashioned, like me, I recommend Dress Your Best by Clinton Kelly and Stacy London (it's even at the local library!). These gurus of style talk to no end about how you need to dress the body you have, not the one you would like to have, and choose silhouettes that enhance your best features. Start eye-balling which pieces in your wardrobe are there because you loved them on the rack, but don't flatter your body when you wear them. Stephanie has an hourglass body (I know, I envy her for that too!): curvy top and bottom with a small waist that normally would get lost in some of the boho, tunic-like pieces she used to wear.

Is it a Basic Piece or an x-tra?
Basic pieces are fitted (regardless of your style), they are neutral, and they are of good quality so they will last. Having 4-7 bottoms, 7-10 tops, 2 dresses and two options of shoes (flats and high heels) is a good start. Stephanie came up with basic tops and bottoms that carried her through her choices.
Bottoms: When it comes to pants, she now has two pairs of jeans, one hemmed for flats and of a lighter wash, and one hemmed for heels, which is in a darker denim. If you are not a denim kind of girl, you can go with cords, or even a pair of khakis. She has one pair of tight black pants. Finally, she has two skirts: a cotton, pencil and a silk, a-line.
Dresses: She has three dresses: a little black dress, a stripped, a-line dress, and a royal blue belted dress.
Tops: For tops, she kept an assortment of t-shirts, tanks and blouses in silk, cotton and satin.
Add to the list, two pairs of striped and black flats and a pair of leather sandal wedges, as well as a structured olive green canvas jacket, and her basics were complete. 75% of these pieces were things she already owned. The majority of the pieces on her wardrobe, however, were x-tras: cardigans, colorful dresses, tights, light sweaters, raffle-y blouses... here is where you get to add some fun and color, but also where you probably have the most pieces that don't follow the guidelines. These pieces can be worn on their own (in some cases) for a one-in-a-million-years event, or added to your basics for a pop of color or to embellish a run-to-the-store outfit. Be ready to filter heavily in this area.

Why did I save this piece?
If you save it, you must trust that there was a reason for it when you find it in your closet later on. Take photos with your phone, create a spreadsheet, find an app (like Style Book or Polyvore). Take note of what you think of every piece as you try it on. Try to take photos of the clothes on you rather than them laying on the bed. Stephanie felt like she would often forget how to style that basic dress and make it look super cute. She had a vague idea but once she tried, she felt something was missing compared to the picture she had in her head from when we styled the dress together. This step also helps eliminate “decision fatigue” when faced with your entire wardrobe on a busy morning — you already know what works with what for what occasion.

choose one of these as part of your basic bottoms

an assortment of basic tops: neutral and versatile

 the structured summer jacket: choose your style

THE GUIDE: five simple steps

1) Take everything you own and make two piles. One will have pieces that follow the guidelines: are neutral or in one of YOUR colors, complement your body type, AND are in good shape to be worn. Don't worry if you never wear it, if you don't know if it'll fit, etc. The other pile has all your rejects and you will not be saving any of them: they can go all the way to the consignment store to serve another Goddess.

2) Clean your closet.

3) Separate the pieces on your good pile into basic pieces and x-tras.

4) Start trying the pieces from your good pile on, assessing each and every item based on the main guidelines. If something is too small, doesn't look as good on you as you thought, etc, move it to the reject pile. Focus on pieces that you can make work for more than one activity and dress up or down. Start with a basic piece, then add another, then add some x-tras. If you have a piece that fits you but you cannot use it for any of your activities (e.g.: a sequin gown when the most dress-up activity you listed is lunch out with your fiance), put it in the reject pile! If the piece could work through styling (a sequin top that can be worn for a lunch out with fiance by dressing it down with jeans and flats) then put it on, together with a basic piece, and try to imagine what else you can add to adjust it to the occasion.

5) Add accessories. Belts, hats, earrings, scarves... they can take the place of x-tras. Make sure they follow the main guidelines for color and fit. When it comes to accessories, “three is key” for any given outfit.

By the time you are done, you will not have all the pieces you need in your wardrobe, but my guess is that you'll have most of the main pieces plus a handful of x-tras and accessories. Take note of what you need to complete an outfit as you try pieces on, and wait for those online sales to start!

EXAMPLES of how Stephanie created 2-3 outfits from each one of three basic pieces

Example 1: start with jeans

Pair it with:
a t-shirt + flats ------------> for errands
a t-shirt + cardigan + flats + skinny belt ------------> for playdates
a blouse + heels + summer structured jacket ------------> for a casual date out in the town with her husband

Example 2: start with a skirt

Pair it with:
a bright colored simple blouse + flats ------------> for a business conference
a sequin tank + heels ------------> for drinks out with girls after conference sessions

Example 3: start with a dress

Pair it with:
a cardigan + heels ------------> for church
a cardigan + flats ------------> for an outing to the farmers market with kids
heels ------------> for a jewelery party

ONE EXTRA TIP directly from Stephanie

"Talk about attitude adjustment!  Drop the mentality of “I’m just running to buy diapers so I can wear my sloppy sweatshirt and my pajama pants and my Uggs”. It doesn’t take a very large time commitment to “pull your look together” in the morning. This results in confidence / joy / satisfaction / the thrill and enjoyment of being a woman..."

So that's it. These guide and guidelines apply to stay-at-home-moms, business owners, students... as long as you don't live a life of servants and royalty, you want to look flawless with little effort, and you find your own style and have fun!

The New Colette

You love and you attach yourself to the object of your love. It is so hard not to. You become one with it and you forget your name, your address, that you are on this earth to love unconditionally and unattached.

During Lightfolly's portrait gallery, back in September, I had written short stories to accompany the portraits of the 12 women I photographed. Colette approached me after reading that one of the women was starting a new adventure in life, and needed a new version of herself to do it.

-"I think I need that"- she said

I'm not going to write a long story about Colette. I simply want to share the images we made once she felt ready to start a new adventure, to let go of her husband (whose body ALS unexpectedly took), to put herself out there again.

This Valentine's Day, Colette may gift her images to somebody new. But the biggest gift, she already gave to herself: to shed the final layers and dress in silk, and open her heart, and love again.

Hair styling by Robin McIntyre | Makeup by Sierra Saxton